Heard any good ones lately?

[janet schneider]

The Nun and the Cabbie
-------------------------

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers,
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds,
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull in to the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[gus danger]

Good one Janet! Here's my Halloween good one! :2thumbsup:

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"

:laffingassoff:

[SouthwestRanger]

Gus & Co: Another reason why Opus The Penguin rocks !!!!

[SouthwestRanger]

there, gorgeous!

By DAREH GREGORIAN

November 28, 2009

Meet Bod-zilla.




A California lawyer-turned-dominatrix named Amazon Eve has become the world's tallest cover girl

Eve, who declines to reveal her real name, has become an overnight media sensation after an Australian magazine ran a photo spread of the 6-foot-8 model with a much shorter woman and featured her on its cover.

"I never expected to get so much attention," the lengthy lovely told The Post.

In the Zoo Weekly photo spread, Eve looks like she belongs to a race of giants compared to her diminutive counterpart, who barely comes up to her chest

The publicity drawn by the photo has led to a flood of modeling gigs, and she's now on the lookout for a publicist and a manager .A California native, Eve said she went to law school before deciding to become a personal trainer."I really struggled," she said -- until a dominatrix client told her about the world of "Amazons," very tall women whom men pay big bucks to throw them around. "It's the softest of the soft-core fetishes," she said

A California lawyer-turned-dominatrix named Amazon Eve has become the world's tallest cover girl.

Eve, who declines to reveal her real name, has become an overnight media sensation after an Australian magazine ran a photo spread of the 6-foot-8 model with a much shorter woman and featured her on its cover.

"I never expected to get so much attention," the lengthy lovely told The Post.

In the Zoo Weekly photo spread, Eve looks like she belongs to a race of giants compared to her diminutive counterpart, who barely comes up to her chest.


Zoo WeeklyThe publicity drawn by the photo has led to a flood of modeling gigs, and she's now on the lookout for a publicist and a manager.

A California native, Eve said she went to law school before deciding to become a personal trainer.

"I really struggled," she said -- until a dominatrix client told her about the world of "Amazons," very tall women whom men pay big bucks to throw them around. "It's the softest of the soft-core fetishes," she said.

[SouthwestRanger]

[Secret Six]

What?s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Elin found out he?s not a Tiger, he?s a Cheetah.

Tiger just hates it when he drives, and then his balls hit a tree.

Elin Nordegren got hired today as a consultant. She?s teaching Phil Mickelson how to beat Tiger.

Tiger?s confused. Every other time he made a hole-in-one, everyone was all happy about it.

Tiger said the fault of the accident was his Escalade. It?s typical of a golfer?always blame the caddy.

Tiger?s car still runs, but it goes ?putt, putt, putt??

What do baby seals and Tiger Woods have in common? Both were clubbed by a Scandanavian.

Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one

Tiger Woods is tree under.

Tiger woods has a lot of cars, now he has a ?hole in one?.

What was Elin Nordegren doing at 2:30 in the morning? She was clubbing.

Tiger Woods has been dropped by Gilette after admitting this incident was his closest shave ever.

[SouthwestRanger]

Some warm and humourous insights from a Decent Actor, One of California's Best Governors and one of America's Greatest Presidents....

I voted for Reagan twice in 1980 & 84, Worked on Both Elections as a member of the College Republicans and even shook hands with him when he made a campaign stop in NJ in July of 1984....

Reagan made the 1980's a fun time with a Kick Ass Economy, No Nonsense Foreign Policy, and all sorts of fun !

God how I wish he was back in The White House....



Ronald Wilson Reagan

"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?"

"Politics is supposed to be the second-oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first."

"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'"

"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his."

"I'm afraid I can't use a mule. I have several hundred up on Capitol Hill." -refusing a gift of a mule

"Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, you coast for awhile, you have a hell of a closing."

"What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?" -on Clint Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

[gus danger]

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those jackasses at the post office.


Sincerely,
Edna
:laffingassoff:

[gus danger]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

[SouthwestRanger]

CALVIN AND HOBBES - THE FINAL CHAPTER